Should Texas Be Demoted Into A Territory?

demote texas into a territory

If you’ve been paying attention to the news in recent months you’ve undoubtedly watched the state of Florida make a national embarrassment of itself– from the shooting in Orlando, to the kid who was snatched by an alligator into a swamp at Disney world, to the man who claimed he was seduced by a dolphin — weird news lives and breeds within that god forsaken state.

But while Florida may be the class clown of the news circuits, Texas is the ringleader of this nonsense.

I’ve only recently discovered this reality. They say hell is hot but sometimes you have to feel it for yourself.

Hear me out and please refrain from using your reptilian brain to jump to conclusions.

4 Very Good Reasons Why We Should Demote Texas

We must uphold strict standards for a land if it wants to call itself one of the 50 states that make up this glorious nation.

Unfortunately Texas just doesn’t cut it.

1. It Isn’t Our Land

Right off the bat, before we get into anything else it must be known to all that we — as well-doing Americans and role models for the rest of the free world — MUST appease the Mexican people who historically have been very good neighbors to us, and have helped lift our nation’s economy and improved diversity quotas.

We technically don’t even own the land we call Texas and the southwestern United States, having stolen it by falling prey to our imperialistic tendencies, so out of respect for the Mexican people this is the right choice to make.

Of course that isn’t going to happen (blame Obama) but if we aren’t going to return it we need to at least demote its status from state to territory in order to atone for our ancestors sins.

I have already denounced my toxic Anglo-Saxon heritage and changed my wallpaper background to a Mexican nationalist, my way of showing support for the struggle our Aztecian comrades have gone through the years as we neglected their rightful land.

General Santa Anna – Mexican Freedom Fighter

Imagine, the land your ancestors once farmed and lived off of turned into football stadiums and parking lots. It honestly makes me sick.

I did my part will you do yours?

2. Stop Wasting Resources

It’s no secret that border patrol has their hands full trying to detain illegals, capture drug smugglers, and fight crime near border towns which are basically war zones on our home turf.

What are we going to do about it? Spend even more money trying to stop them? Risk people’s lives?

It’s time we started thinking outside the box.

We need to let the drug cartels take over to reduce crime.

The ONLY reason there is crime is because there is law. If we get rid of the laws, there are no crimes that can be committed.

Forfeit Texas’s status as a state and retrieve federal funds that would have gone to fighting the drug cartels.

Besides isn’t the Rio Grande going to evaporate into thin air in like 2 to 3 decades? Aren’t the people down there going to be begging for water?

Let it all become Mexico’s problem.

They are better equipped to handle it anyways through something called epigenetics which according to Wikipedia (paraphrased) are “the heritable changes in gene expression not caused by alteration in the genetic code itself”. Basically that means that since they used to live there, they have adapted to the environment better as it changed their genes.

The Mexicans no doubt will better be able to traverse the terrain and make sense of its problems thanks to their ancestors’ memories that have been passed down to them.

3. Improve Tourism

Even if Texas does get demoted, we can’t just subtract a star from the flag and call it a day. 50 is a beautiful, round even number.

In order to fix this problem, we simply need to replace it with another state.

So why not Puerto Rico? It’s basically the Atlantic Hawaii.

Let’s give Puerto Rico a promotion.

This will greatly improve tourism to our country and increase the available funds we have to fight terrorists overseas.

Think about it, where would you rather visit, a scenic Puerto Rican beach or some sparsely populated wasteland complete with tumbleweeds and the occasional lizard crawling around (aka most of Texas)?

More money from tourism + less money spent on fighting drug cartels = a more prosperous nation.

Puerto Rican tourism

Look at this beautiful Puerto Rican cemetery situated alongside a picturesque coastline. Does Texas have something like that?

4. Improves Our Reputation Worldwide

It’s no secret that Texans have negatively impacted the perception of Americans abroad thanks to their ill mannered nature and general unsightliness.

I remember traveling during a gap year back in my university days when I was sight-seeing in Vietnam and some obnoxious local started harassing my group of friends and I because one of us had on a Cowboys hat. We were just minding our business hitting on the local girls enjoying the nightlife.

I’m guessing he probably had a negative interaction with a Texan before and associated in his mind Cowboys = Texas so it caused him to snap.

He was making us very uncomfortable and I couldn’t even understand what he was saying in his horrendously broken English but I didn’t want to make a scene out of it so I respected his culture.

Still, this isn’t the least bit surprising to me. You have crazy right wingers, racists, and gun advocates all parading through the streets of Austin, practically mocking the families of the victims in senseless gun related crimes.

Not saying other states don’t have them too but those from Texas are more vocal about it.

Then you have the Donald Drumpf supporters who want to build a wall instead of a red carpet walkway to let the Mexicans re-inherit their native land.

Come on folks. This isn’t a one time thing either. Remember the Alamo? Yeah I remember us losing.

https://twitter.com/JosephACostello/status/706701652871393284

^^^  Clueless Texan who doesn’t understand culture. This just isn’t a good look for us.

Need I go more?

My Personal Experience

So you might be wondering where all of this came from.

Well it all started on a cross country road trip.

Somehow my tire popped and I ended up stranded in the wastelands of western Texas. Sidetracked at the side of the road, I pleaded for help so someone could assist me in getting out the spare tire I kept in the trunk. I would have done it myself mind you but my hands were chaffed. It was also hot out and I was dehydrated so I didn’t want to risk heat death.

Trapped inside of my car with a dwindling supply of air conditioning, I was screaming out for help as loud as I could. Yet not one person came to my rescue. I was screaming as loud as I could at passerbys but people were just looking at me strange like I was some sort of maniac. I even saw one lady look at me with disgust which hurt my self-confidence.

And that’s when I realized this disaster of a state wasn’t for me.