We, as the freedom-loving nation we are, need to have a talk.
It is April which means the ““sport”” commonly known as baseball is back on TV.
Seeing as how MLB will be celebrating its 147th anniversary this year, 3 years removed from the big 1-5-0, it’s time we had a conversation about where all of this is headed and the concept of knowing when to quit.
I hope you can use your maturity to rationally consider my argument, but first a short story:
Like many naïve and slightly delusional middle schoolers, I used to give in to peer pressure.
This would manifest itself in various forms.
Whether it was ganging up on the new kid because they had a funny accent and were a little cross eyed or helping out the less intelligent cheat on tests because they made me feel bad about my ability to excel with ease (my intellect was vastly superior to theirs, in fact in my youth I had often been compared to a child prodigy, like a young Mozart), peer pressure would undeniably influence my otherwise sound judgement skills.
But one of the most malicious, insidious, and asinine forms of peer pressure happened almost every day after school, weather permitting.
Malicious because it was slowly destroying my spirit.
Insidious because no one ever brought it up, as if the topic were taboo.
And asinine because it seemed like I was the only one who realized all of this.
My buddies and I would head out to the field behind the school building to play a good ‘ol American game of baseball.
What could be better right?
The smell of the freshly cut grass, that feeling of a sturdy bat in your hands, the excitement leading up to the opening pitch!
But like many situations in my youth, where others felt joy I sensed a farce.
After striking out for the 4th consecutive time I had enough. I threw my bat at the ground and told them I wasn’t playing anymore.
Don’t get the wrong idea I wasn’t quitting. I just realized how stupid all of this was.
Like the Nazis, I just went along with it and did what everyone else did.
Ever since, I realized how foolish I had been and I REFUSE to let my kids make the same mistakes as I did.
First of all, are we sure baseball is even a sport?
I mean let’s think about this.
Football has soaring touchdown passes and brute force tackles that get an entire city cheering.
Basketball has alley-oops and high flying slam dunks that rattle an arena.
Soccer has incredible displays of footwork and pin point passing between teammates who can’t even communicate with each other because one of them is from Spain and the other from Venezuela or something.
Baseball has…………………………… A diving catch? Impressive… Never seen that before.
In fact I have because every time baseball is on ESPNs Top 10 it’s a diving catch.
What does it say about a sport when every “amazing” play is the same?
It’s definitely the least athletic “”sport”” I’ve ever seen and the only one where the “”athletes”” do more standing around than actual moving.
Maybe that’s why most star baseball players are overweight.
Is it any surprise obesity rates are rising in this country when our children look to these people to set an example?
I know what you’re thinking.
“So if it’s not a sport, what is it exactly?”
Baseball is essentially a reenactment of our cavemen days which is why it appeals to the large majority of the low-IQ crowd as it is an inherently degenerate activity.
Swinging a bat at a ball is like swinging a stick at an annoying mosquito that won’t stop biting you because the fur of the wooly mammoth you took down months ago is starting to deteriorate.
That’s why it was so popular 100 years ago when most people still lived in mud huts and used spears to catch their food. But luckily there’s this thing called “evolution” you know. We’ve evolved past that and have things like skyscrapers and democracy now.
We don’t need to resort to caveman games for entertainment.
Read more on the next page.